If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
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My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
If I ever commit suicide, I wanna jump off a cliff w/an open umbrella so people wonder if I thought it would bring me safely to the ground.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.