Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
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I wrote 2793 tweets in advance. So if I die tomorrow, you won’t know until 2018.
I’m sorry she’s WHAT
Congratulations to Janet Jackson for having a baby at age 50! When I was 50, I wasn’t even strong enough to push a child out of my way.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.