@Adam14

Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

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@BinyominS

Why procrastinate today

When you could procrastinate tomorrow

@realHamOnWry

I wrote 2793 tweets in advance. So if I die tomorrow, you won’t know until 2018.

@BetteMidler

Congratulations to Janet Jackson for having a baby at age 50! When I was 50, I wasn’t even strong enough to push a child out of my way.

@bridger_w

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

@stephenjmolloy

*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”

@bridger_w

Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields

@jwoodham

Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.

@SpenceDen

It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.