Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
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The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
The French word for sex is croissant.