Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

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My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”

Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.


and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area


If I ever commit suicide, I wanna jump off a cliff w/an open umbrella so people wonder if I thought it would bring me safely to the ground.


I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.


Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime


Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.


Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day


My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.