Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.

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Why procrastinate today

When you could procrastinate tomorrow


I wrote 2793 tweets in advance. So if I die tomorrow, you won’t know until 2018.


Congratulations to Janet Jackson for having a baby at age 50! When I was 50, I wasn’t even strong enough to push a child out of my way.


This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all


*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”


Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields


Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.


It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.