Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
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Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Guy who likes music
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh