Coworker: I like working with you. I feel like I can really talk to you

Me: I’m sorry I gave you that impression. That’s not correct

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Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.


*walks in restroom reading phone*

*opens stall door & starts peeing*

Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…


My ex told me that Gaga’s “Bad Romance” song reminds him of me. Now I’m glad I dumped him. What sort of idiot admits to listening to Gaga.


alarm (noun)
-a device commonly used in the morning to invent new curse words.


discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.


[city marathon]

ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?

RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS

ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?


Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak



Me *dressed from head to toe like Darth Vader*

Him: Haha, are you dressed like that to celebrate the opening weekend of the new Star Wars movie?

Me (in Darth Vader voice): NO.


why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?


If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.

Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.