@msbtx

Coworker: I like working with you. I feel like I can really talk to you

Me: I’m sorry I gave you that impression. That’s not correct

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@jwoodham

Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.

@squirrel74wkgn

*walks in restroom reading phone*

*opens stall door & starts peeing*

Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…

@1Happytwit

My ex told me that Gaga’s “Bad Romance” song reminds him of me. Now I’m glad I dumped him. What sort of idiot admits to listening to Gaga.

@wickedsuga

alarm (noun)
-a device commonly used in the morning to invent new curse words.

@somecleverthing

discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.

@mrjohndarby

[city marathon]

ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?

RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS

ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?

@Koogslaw

Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak

@liv_thatsme

FIRST DATE

Me *dressed from head to toe like Darth Vader*

Him: Haha, are you dressed like that to celebrate the opening weekend of the new Star Wars movie?

Me (in Darth Vader voice): NO.

@markydoodoo

why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?

@GrillinChillin9

If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.

Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.