Coworker: I lost my phone.


CW: I don’t know where it is.

M:*perplexed look* You’re not glued to it like a NORMAL person? Freak!

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Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage


i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”


Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes


my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice


As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.


When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.


The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.


Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.

Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.


My kid asked why we eat so much bacon so I told him it’s a vegetable