[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
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FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
🍛
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
lost dog
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.