Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
You Might Also Like
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.