@OreoSpeedwagon_

Coworker: I need someone in the backfill position
Brain: Do. Not. Say. Anything.
Me: um hopefully you fill the gap soon
Brain: oh dear

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@lmwortho

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.

@FrazzleMyGimp

Me: thanks duckter

Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you

@givesnoerection

I moved out of my parents house so I could have sex whenever I wanted, I had no idea it would always be with myself.

@QwertyJones3

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.

@WheelTod

My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.

@ClichedOut

me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers

her: it’s cool i don’t like music

me: ok we have 2 problems

@ElayneBoosler

If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.

@TheMichaelRock

I always bring in a dozen donuts to work the first day after the New Year, just for my coworkers on a diet.