My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
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sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
I put the h in mysterious.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.