Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
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Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.