Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
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A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.