Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
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the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
I just ran a .003048K
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Awesome parenting 😂
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic