Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
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Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Every BBC series about the universe.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.