COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.

ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.

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I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,



my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant


So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.


It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.


I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”

She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”


Me: it should be called a “some of the things” bagel.

Cashier: because it doesn’t have raisins, or cinnamon?

Me: I was going to say because it doesn’t have love but holy shit man


“I Got a new dress for date night!”

Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*

“This is the garment bag you idiot”