911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
You Might Also Like
Daycare worker: No.
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
[Lions watching a romantic comedy about humans]
Why doesn’t he simply mount her with no apparent warning?
7:55 pm: Pours Diet Coke over fries to prevent self from eating them.
8:03 pm: Eats soggy Diet Coke fries.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
I don’t trust people who say “I married my best friend” because I don’t think dogs can truly consent to marriage.
I don’t want to have sex with you, but I don’t want anyone else to either.