@jordan_stratton

COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.

ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.

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@Beer4AGoodTime

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,

“Hi”.

@cottoncandaddy

my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant

@Lhlodder

So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.

@blaudiablogan

It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.

@paulbarbar_II

I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”

She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”

@bewgtweets

Me: it should be called a “some of the things” bagel.

Cashier: because it doesn’t have raisins, or cinnamon?

Me: I was going to say because it doesn’t have love but holy shit man

@Book_Krazy

“I Got a new dress for date night!”

Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*

“This is the garment bag you idiot”