I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
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my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Me: it should be called a “some of the things” bagel.
Cashier: because it doesn’t have raisins, or cinnamon?
Me: I was going to say because it doesn’t have love but holy shit man
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.