COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
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me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Childbirth is so beautiful
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?