@jordan_stratton

COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.

ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.

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@Super_Cynthia

911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND

@mela_shea

Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!

@jellybnbonanza

My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!

@NicestHippo

[Lions watching a romantic comedy about humans]

Why doesn’t he simply mount her with no apparent warning?

@kumailn

7:55 pm: Pours Diet Coke over fries to prevent self from eating them.
8:03 pm: Eats soggy Diet Coke fries.

@mrjohntofu

Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.

@DurtMcHurtt

[family feud]

Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…

Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN

@EricDumbTweets

I don’t trust people who say “I married my best friend” because I don’t think dogs can truly consent to marriage.

@yeaanotherchris

I don’t want to have sex with you, but I don’t want anyone else to either.

-marriage