[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
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“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong