@murrman5

[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup

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@meganamram

I don’t remember anything about being born, I must have been WASTED

@KrangTNelson

RUNNER: this is called “carbo-loading. we eat lots of heavy food

ME: that’s great. love it

RUNNER: then we go for a nice long run

ME: no

@3sunzzz

Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”

@Rainbowbunee

Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.

It was a tampede.

@dave_cactus

[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…

@THEINBREDCAT

Her: Do you have any kids?
Me: I have 2 step kids
Her: None of your own?
Me: no
Her: How come?
Me: facials
Her: I’m sorry what?
Me: What?

@milkinhisbag

if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me

@Hadzilla

HEY OSAMA I FOUND YOUR 72 VIRGINS THEY ARE ALL ON MY TIMELINE TALKING ABOUT STAR WARS

@julietactually

Saw this lady taking pics of stuff and I was like your camera is facing the wrong way, psycho

@KeetPotato

[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]