I don’t remember anything about being born, I must have been WASTED
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
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RUNNER: this is called “carbo-loading. we eat lots of heavy food
ME: that’s great. love it
RUNNER: then we go for a nice long run
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
ME: Green Lobster!
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Her: Do you have any kids?
Me: I have 2 step kids
Her: None of your own?
Her: How come?
Her: I’m sorry what?
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
HEY OSAMA I FOUND YOUR 72 VIRGINS THEY ARE ALL ON MY TIMELINE TALKING ABOUT STAR WARS
Saw this lady taking pics of stuff and I was like your camera is facing the wrong way, psycho
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]