Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
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[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?