Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
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*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.