Coworker just asked me if I’m “working hard or hardly working” & now I’m standing over him asking if he’s “bleeding bad or badly bleeding?”

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Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.


Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.


What the hell do you mean Buzzfeed isn’t a reliable news source, it knew exactly what kind of pancake I’d be


date: “i think you watch too much Homeland”
me: [in the next booth facing the other way] “keep your voice down”


Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.


Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office

Satan: yeah, welcome to hell

Me: well, I guess it could be worse

Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee



cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster

shaggy: no problem

cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine

shaggy: haha lets not do that


Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.


Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.


Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.