Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
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i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt