You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
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*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
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.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
#milo