Coworker: Oh, look how beautiful! It’s snowing again!

Me: *stabs coworker with icicle*

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Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”


I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.


[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it


Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*


hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
?it’s just a bruuuise ?


I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”


if i was a bird i’d just ride around on other birds


Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.