COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
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Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?