Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
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My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Wait for it
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Guantanamo Bae
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
My biological clock is wheezing.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?