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@ShittyComedian: Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
@CornOnTheGoblin: Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
"I'd rather stand"
Are you sure? You have "Falls Down When Gets Bad News" disease
@KalvinMacleod: [lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
@lisaxy424: ($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
@fishbowel: Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
@sonictyrant: therapist: you keep hearing cartoon rabbits?
me: yeah, i think it's updoc
therapist: ehhhh what's updoc?
me: IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN