@ShittyComedian

Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha

Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha

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@RandomlyMJ

Is there such a thing as spontaneous feline combustion? Anyway, baking soda and vinegar are terrible for cats.

@Conchvegas1

Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go

@natedeschaine

How disturbingly inappropriate would it be if “Thomas the Tank Engine” was set in early-1940s Germany? #ThomasDieKleineLokomotive

@notalogin

Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.

@ObscureGent

Priest: You May now kiss the bride.

Goth couple: *scowls*

Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.

@NYC_Blonde

Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?

@1Happytwit

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.