Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
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Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
He wanted to make sure😂
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.