Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
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Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.