@GoldenSpirals

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.

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@Adar79Angie

Since Walking Dead isn’t on I’ve hid pot from my stoner friends. As they amble around looking for it I’m shooting them with paint ball guns.

@Prof_Peejay

Her:”What do you do?”
Me:”I teach astronomy.”
Her:”OMG!! I’m a Sagitarius! Can you see my future?”
Me:”Yes, you’ll go home alone tonight.”

@TheHyyyype

friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times

@Nickadoo

Hey Starbucks. If you gotta name your drinks with stupid language, don’t roll your eyes when I order a gitchy gitchy yaya mocha choca latte.

@heyitsJudeD

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

@Pro_Jones_

(Business)

Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.

Bob: I have a better idea.

@Kalarlis

hello and welcome to Fantasy Football *Dumbledore passes ball to Frodo* *Gandalf intercepts football and eats it*

@flaskofwhiskeyy

My friend told me to let loose and be reckless today so I walked really fast with a bowl full of hot soup.

@cravin4

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.