@PeaceInTruth1

Coworker: Stop

Me: collaborate and listen

Coworker: Don’t

Me: you forget about me

Coworker: Hey!

Me: teacher, leave them kids alone

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@SondraDeeMe

FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!

My comment: So was the Titanic.

@TheHyyyype

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

@IGotsSmarts

If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one

@MamaFizzles

I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.

@SCbchbum

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

@Jamdug

I like Horror Movies for the first 20 minutes when everyone is just hanging out and having a good time.

@TheAlexNevil

*intercom

SHEEPLE, WAKE UP! THE SAME CANDY THEY CALL “HALLOWEEEEEEN” CANDY IS AVAILABLE ALL YEAR LO…get off me…let go…NEVER FORGET!

@ericsshadow

ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR

HER: do you want dessert?

ME: ok, but just a small slice.

@hythemafia

Man goes to a Doctor.

“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”

“Does it burn?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”

@mommajessiec

Reasons people get divorced:

-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy