[Google search history]
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Me: collaborate and listen
Me: you forget about me
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
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U.S. DEPT OF FORESTRY: Sir, we believe you’re hunting illegally
GUY IN ALL CAMO W/ ORANGE HAT: *takes off hat*
USDOF: Dammit we lost him
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
cashier: you need to pay for that candy bar
me: i don’t have any money
cashier: then put it back
me: *sliding him 20 dollars* how about we keep this between us
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.