FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Me: collaborate and listen
Me: you forget about me
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
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vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I like Horror Movies for the first 20 minutes when everyone is just hanging out and having a good time.
SHEEPLE, WAKE UP! THE SAME CANDY THEY CALL “HALLOWEEEEEEN” CANDY IS AVAILABLE ALL YEAR LO…get off me…let go…NEVER FORGET!
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Reasons people get divorced:
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy