@PeaceInTruth1

Coworker: Stop

Me: collaborate and listen

Coworker: Don’t

Me: you forget about me

Coworker: Hey!

Me: teacher, leave them kids alone

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@murrman5

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute

@thombodytolove

[airport security]

wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*

me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*

tsa agent:

tsa agent: why so many gameboys

@skedaddle74

I dressed up my fly swatter in a baby doll outfit so everytime I swat one I can say “uh-oh, baby did a bad thing”

@AimeeHelene1

*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*

@AimeeHelene1

Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.

@dshack8

My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.

@IntoxicaTweeted

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

@SimplyNamedTron

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car