Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
You Might Also Like
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.