@PeaceInTruth1

Coworker: Stop

Me: collaborate and listen

Coworker: Don’t

Me: you forget about me

Coworker: Hey!

Me: teacher, leave them kids alone

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@emmatheist

[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew

@Mr_Kapowski

U.S. DEPT OF FORESTRY: Sir, we believe you’re hunting illegally

GUY IN ALL CAMO W/ ORANGE HAT: *takes off hat*

USDOF: Dammit we lost him

@bridger_w

When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”

@coryrichardson_

cashier: you need to pay for that candy bar

me: i don’t have any money

cashier: then put it back

me: *sliding him 20 dollars* how about we keep this between us

@NomDeBenoit

People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”

@withanewname

Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast

@smithsara79

OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?

Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.

@ElgatoEsmio

HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN

@SwedishCanary

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.

@kyle_thatisall

Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.