Coworker: Summer plans?
Me: Hell yeah. Rock shows galore
CW: Def Leppard, Guns N Roses?
Me: *thinks to amethysts and pyrite on brochure* Yea

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ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please


10 bucks says Kanye signed the guest book at his own wedding.


[At the job interview]

“Why did you leave your last job?”

“They took a vote.”


Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.


I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.


Falling for someone from Twitter is as intelligent as trying to give yourself a lobotomy with a sharpened jelly donut.


my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord


HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.

ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!


Cats are so lucky. Nobody thinks twice when they run from company and hide under the bed. I do it and its “weird”.


Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.