coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
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forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
58.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
My typo game is string.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.