COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
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Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me