Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
You Might Also Like
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Ok who’s got my black socks?
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
the last thing a carrot sees
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
When you’ve simply given up.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*