coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
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I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)