@AndyAsAdjective

coworker: those are some crazy socks

me: well I guess th-

socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE

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@iscoff

“Did you hire a wedding photographer?”

Sure did!

*a dog with a gopro strapped to its head runs by*

@briangaar

The human body is 70 percent water?? *looks at a glass of water* damn girl

@PetrickSara

My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.

@LuckoftheDraw86

Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.

@shariv67

I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.

@lukasbattle

My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”

@Book_Krazy

[interview]

Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked

“Why are you naked?”

dammit

@good_one_rick

Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”

@sammyrhodes

There is no peer pressure like washing your hands because someone else walked into the bathroom.