@TheHyyyype

COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!

ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*

CW: uuhh…

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@KazHiraiCEO

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

@SadPeruna

Get a TATTOO they said!
A rock band tattoo would be the BEST they said!
Creed will be popular FOREVER they said!

@Elizasoul80

I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.

@lawyerthoughts

defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!

@iGreenGod

The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.

@plumbur

Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.

@Tetley6969

I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.

@Marlebean

*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*

@Gupton68

Server: Congratulations, ma’am

Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?

S: Your husband said you’re eating for two

M: Oh she’s not pregnant

W: I despise you

@cmstetz13

I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.