Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
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Get a TATTOO they said!
A rock band tattoo would be the BEST they said!
Creed will be popular FOREVER they said!
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.