“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
You Might Also Like
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.