COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.

ME: Hammocking is better than both.

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“My cat just got ran over”

You cant end a sentence with a preposition

“My cat just got ran over lol”


[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on


Buddy, If you get in a fight with me there’ll only be 2 “hits”; You hitting me and my screams of pain hitting 100 decibels.


“Haha, Imagine Dragons. What a dumb band name.”

-Neutral Milk Hotel fans


I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny


You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three


We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.


[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]


ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*