COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
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[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
can you read it!!??
maan!
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.