Doc inserts needle
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
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[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Wonder Woman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Dear karma: perhaps we could be partners? You’re doing great work, but I’ve identified a bunch of people you’ve overlooked.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
My wife woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on her face!
I love Sharpie markers.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
I feel like every time I go to Walmart I automatically witness the contradiction to their slogan being: ‘save money, live better’
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.