@KentWGraham

COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.

ME: Hammocking is better than both.

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@RoosterMustache

“My cat just got ran over”

You cant end a sentence with a preposition

“My cat just got ran over lol”

@Donnie_Fairburn

[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on

@jazmasta

Buddy, If you get in a fight with me there’ll only be 2 “hits”; You hitting me and my screams of pain hitting 100 decibels.

@gentilecoont

“Haha, Imagine Dragons. What a dumb band name.”

-Neutral Milk Hotel fans

@LostCatDog

I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny

@julcasagrande

You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three

@ericsshadow

We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.

@FattMernandez

[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]

@dave_cactus

ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE