*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

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HE’S SUPER FRIENDLY I yell as my big black dog runs full speed toward a group of screaming toddlers


[pulls meatloaf out of oven]

he’s still sweating and singing just as beautifully as ever


First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)


Please allow kids to believe in Santa.
You believe in Herballife and no one is ruining it for you.


Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim


The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.


When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.

Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.


Teach your kids cursive and they won’t get copied from in school.


My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.