*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
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Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*