@jordan_stratton

*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

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@_Tempo11

HE’S SUPER FRIENDLY I yell as my big black dog runs full speed toward a group of screaming toddlers

@G_Faylor

[pulls meatloaf out of oven]

he’s still sweating and singing just as beautifully as ever

@ShootyDoody

First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)

@maxui

Please allow kids to believe in Santa.
You believe in Herballife and no one is ruining it for you.

@LlamaInaTux

Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim

@AndrewNadeau0

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

@MrFilmkritik

When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.

Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.

@LosLos__

Teach your kids cursive and they won’t get copied from in school.

@GreenSmoke_

My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.