*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
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I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.