Hideous monsters for sale! Selling cheap! Crazy wild beasts! Won’t last long!
“Honey, stop trying to sell the kids.”
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
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I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
mosquitoes nowadays be pullin down ya socks to bite you
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
I love when people complain about other people’s kids like other people’s grown ups aren’t way worse
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….