@Tmoney68

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

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@Iwriteforcats

Hideous monsters for sale! Selling cheap! Crazy wild beasts! Won’t last long!

“Honey, stop trying to sell the kids.”

@AudreyPorne

I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.

@murrman5

Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.

@snuurid

mosquitoes nowadays be pullin down ya socks to bite you

@PinkCamoTO

I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.

@dafloydsta

[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen

@GroovyTasia

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

@VisionBored1

I love when people complain about other people’s kids like other people’s grown ups aren’t way worse

@realfunghi

I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.

@WilliamRodgers

Is “drunk” an emotion?

Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….