[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
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Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
[walking into my intervention]
me: is this about me talking to myself
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
You mean orgasms aren’t those Japanese paper artsy things?
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school