My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
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I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?
ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
It’s like “society” expects you to wear “different clothes” every day.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.