Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
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The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.