Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

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Instagram: My life is a party.

Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show

Facebook: My life turned out great!

Twitter: We’re all going to die.


The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.


Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces


drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up


Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.


I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.


fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information

me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce


If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.


Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.