Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
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This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?