@OhNoSheTwitnt

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

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@T_N_Crumpets

[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!

@lecalabara

Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.

@junejuly12

Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working

@videojames_

[walking into my intervention]

me: is this about me talking to myself

me: yes

@Diversion50

“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.

@CarlyJGarber

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”

@andlikelaura

doctor: you have no heart

me: okay wow that’s rude

doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive

demon living inside me: *to me* don’t

me: there’s a demon living inside me

demon: ugh

[psych ward]

me: this is nice they have jell-o

demon: ooo is it cherry

@ArfMeasures

Wife: We named you after Grandma

Me: Yes that was my idea!

Grandma: They all laugh at me at school