Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
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Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆