I was informed last week that “cheat day” does not mean what I thought it did.
In related news: Baby, sit down. I have to tell you somethin
Coworker: What did you do on vacation?
Me: Didn’t come to work.
Coworker: I know that!
Me: Good. Glad you understand how vacations work.
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Neighbor: I always see your kids outside but hardly ever see you out there.
Me: Oh, that’s because my doors lock from the inside.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Where do I see myself in ten years? I don’t know. Let me think. *pictures self riding jet ski made of bones through space*
AlgeBron James is the best mathlete in the league
boy: i wished girls liked sports
girl: i like sports
boy: oh yeah name the blood type of the seahawks coach from the 1990s
I don’t care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn’t grab you is to use the run and jump method.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….nnn…..I just love smell of campfires.
Imagine becoming single for the first time in 13 years and then having the apocalypse arrive just as it starts to get interesting…..
We all say tomato. There is no alternate pronunciation.