I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
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I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.