Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
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I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.