Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
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A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children