@iwearaonesie

coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad

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@Dawn_M_

I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.

@pleatedjeans

A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding

@ilovepie84

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

@WheelTod

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”

@_coryrichardson

girlfriend: don’t tell my dad we have sex, he freaks out that i’ll get pregnant

her dad: hey bud you coming inside?

me: [clearly panicking] what no, i would never

@WilliamAder

Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?

@spaceboyriley

Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test

Detainee: I mean ok

Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest

@eeethanford

But I would walk 500 miles

and I would walk 500 more

to be the man who walked 1000 miles

to get away from you.

I want a divorce.