coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
You Might Also Like
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Breaking news:
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
my one true gender