I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
coworker: What did your wife get?
You Might Also Like
Don’t tell me what to do.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Lol Tomb Raider.
girlfriend: don’t tell my dad we have sex, he freaks out that i’ll get pregnant
her dad: hey bud you coming inside?
me: [clearly panicking] what no, i would never
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
But I would walk 500 miles
and I would walk 500 more
to be the man who walked 1000 miles
to get away from you.
I want a divorce.