coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
You Might Also Like
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?