coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
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ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Barbie gone wild
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*