I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
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I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
me hitting on a model
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.