If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
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I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
professor X: what’s your power?
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
That’s “MISTER your credit card is declined” thank you very much.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Because I’m a sweater”
“BECAUSE YOUR A SWE- hehe yeah that’s weird but no. Tail light’s out.”
Whoever is making cheese commercials can save their money. We’re buying cheese and and we’re never going to stop buying cheese.