@deedragonhunter

Coworker: What’s twitter like?

Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.

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@JustMeTurtle

If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.

@mrtruthandsoul

I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

@downwinddog

professor X: what’s your power?

me:

professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.

@NathanBgood

“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.

@SentenceReduced

Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.

@delusions_of

That’s “MISTER your credit card is declined” thank you very much.

@jimmytorosian

An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”

Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick

The End

@Browtweaten

Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time

Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges

@ibid78

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
*sighs*
“Because I’m a sweater”
“BECAUSE YOUR A SWE- hehe yeah that’s weird but no. Tail light’s out.”

@gavinmind

Whoever is making cheese commercials can save their money. We’re buying cheese and and we’re never going to stop buying cheese.