Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
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*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been