Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
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“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.