Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
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Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
astrology then: I seek the meaning of human life in the stars.
astrology now: If Capricorns Were A Type Of Noodle, They Would Be Rigatoni.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
[Gets Twitter error: “Somehow, somewhere, something went wrong”]
I know Twitter, I know.
That’s why I’m here.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.