Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly

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I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.


[David Attenborough narrating my life]

Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall


When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.


hot sauce is okay but what i’m really looking for is a rich older sauce that will help me pay off my student loan


I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.


Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!

Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.


Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?

Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs


[after i confess to murder]

COP: sarge? you gotta see this

[shows interrogation video and sees my fingers crossed the whole time]


*passing a kidney stone*

Kidney stone: “Jeez I’m going the speed limit.”


If you’re sad about being alone on Valentine’s Day, just remember.. Nobody loves you on the other days of the year either.