I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
You Might Also Like
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
hot sauce is okay but what i’m really looking for is a rich older sauce that will help me pay off my student loan
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!
Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
[after i confess to murder]
COP: sarge? you gotta see this
[shows interrogation video and sees my fingers crossed the whole time]
*passing a kidney stone*
Kidney stone: “Jeez I’m going the speed limit.”
If you’re sad about being alone on Valentine’s Day, just remember.. Nobody loves you on the other days of the year either.