Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly

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Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.


Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever


Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand

She’ll love it


astrology then: I seek the meaning of human life in the stars.

astrology now: If Capricorns Were A Type Of Noodle, They Would Be Rigatoni.


All my scars & bruises tell a story.

The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.


Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*


[Gets Twitter error: “Somehow, somewhere, something went wrong”]

I know Twitter, I know.

That’s why I’m here.


Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.


*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS


My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.