Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly

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professor x: yes, i can read minds


professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one


Gynecologist: ok, I just need you to open up…

Me, interrupting: As a middle child, I never felt good enough.

Gynecologist: Um, your legs


“I propose a toast”

“I propose a bagel.”

“Ya bagel, much better.”


“I don’t have a racist bone in my body!” –Riley Cooper’s girlfriend postcoitus


I’ve got hoes in different area codes.

(I’m very careless with my gardening tools.)


“I’ve said too much already.“

“All you did was blink.”

“Yeah, but twice.”


My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.


Person: you only live once

Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day


It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.