@Reverend_Scott

Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly

You Might Also Like

@TweetPotato314

me:

professor x: yes, i can read minds

me:

professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one

@Sassafrantz

Gynecologist: ok, I just need you to open up…

Me, interrupting: As a middle child, I never felt good enough.

Gynecologist: Um, your legs

@TheToddWilliams

“I propose a toast”

“I propose a bagel.”

“Ya bagel, much better.”

@KenJennings

“I don’t have a racist bone in my body!” –Riley Cooper’s girlfriend postcoitus

@UncleDuke1969

I’ve got hoes in different area codes.

(I’m very careless with my gardening tools.)

@JimmerThatisAll

“I’ve said too much already.“

“All you did was blink.”

“Yeah, but twice.”

@RunOldMan

My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.

@bacon_gillepic

Person: you only live once

Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day

@UnFitz

It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.