Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
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There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.