coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
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“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”