coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth

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this is ur brain *an egg* this is drugs *a frying pan* this is ur brain on drugs *egg & frying pan wearing sunglasses*


My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.


I hate this double standard
burning a body in the crematorium is fine-
……but you do it at home and suddenly it’s destroying evidence.


it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”

“threw em out” you shrug

you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”

“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”


The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.


INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.


Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.


No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.


‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, there was a grim recognition of the fundamental uselessness of man’s endeavors.


Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.