coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
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If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Accurate
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
*puts my mental health in rice
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
I missed you with all my darts
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?