You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
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Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
From my Mom
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.