@mattsurely
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
@Brampersandon_
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
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@mattsurely
@warmyellowlight
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
@jonnysun
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
@mom_tho
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
@TarekJan
Dear God, when I said six zeros salary, I didn’t mean only zeros.
@Parkerlawyer
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
@DirtMcTurd
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
@robin_991
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
@SevSnapeProf
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
@mack44_d
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.