@Brampersandon_

COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha

ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild

You Might Also Like

@mattsurely

When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage

@warmyellowlight

In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic

@jonnysun

“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”

@mom_tho

take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”

@TarekJan

Dear God, when I said six zeros salary, I didn’t mean only zeros.

@Parkerlawyer

Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.

Anyone want to trade jobs?

@DirtMcTurd

Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.

@robin_991

My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.

*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.

@SevSnapeProf

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.

@mack44_d

The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.