COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
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*Goes to work*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
I’m the girl who shows up at a Halloween party where everyone is dressed as something sexy and I’m dressed as a bean bag.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.
*The fault in our Jars*
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
[ Spelling bee ]
Your word is Harry Potter
Voldermort: Avada Kedavra!
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir