COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha

ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild

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When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage


In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic


“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”


take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”


Dear God, when I said six zeros salary, I didn’t mean only zeros.


Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.

Anyone want to trade jobs?


Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.


My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.

*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.


Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.


The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.